Category Archives: Commentary

Uber Alice

It was one more in a succession of dreamy days. Alice drowsily looked down through the bougainvillea from her balcony perch to the narrow Old Town street below. She loved Key West in the summer, when time seemed to flow in that special sticky slow way and no one wanted to do anything in a hurry. As she gazed, she heard a nervous voice from the open window of a car below. It sounded so pathetic that she felt the urge to help.

“Oh my, oh dear, I’m already late,” the voice said. “What will she think?”

He was trying to drive and look at his GPS at the same time, and doing both badly. Alice went downstairs, grabbed her bike from the porch and followed. Everyone knows that bicycles go faster than cars downtown, so Alice caught up quickly. Why was he in a hurry? Why did he fret so?

He turned into a narrow lane, barely wide enough for a car, and then disappeared from view through a beautifully carved wooden gate. Curious, Alice peeked inside and was enveloped by the overpowering fragrance of night-blooming jasmine. Suddenly, someone pulled her by the arm…and she was inside.

It seemed she had stumbled in to a party. And what a party it was, with all sorts of characters in costume dancing in a never-ending conga line. She danced along to the mesmerizing beat until she collapsed into a chair. She glimpsed the car driver entering the house, but before she could follow, a waiter appeared with some tiny cakes on a platter.

“Here, eat these,” he said.

“I wouldn’t try those if I were you,” said someone in a chicken suit. “I had one earlier and now I don’t know how I’ll ever find my way home. But, here, take this. I paid for three hours of parking and it still has 57 minutes left on it. You can have it for a dollar.”

“What is this place?” asked Alice.

“Why it’s Uberland,”, said the chicken. “Here we drive each other around, we stay in each other’s houses, we fix each other meals, in fact, we do almost everything for each other. It keeps the economy going. I have an extra cauliflower. Would you like it?

“But how does it work?” asked Alice. “Wouldn’t that just keep everyone going around in circles forever?”

“Well of course”, replied the chicken. “That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? If we stopped it would all come crashing down. You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?”

Before Alice could think of an answer, the driver scurried by in the wake of a large, elaborately dressed woman who seemed to be in a great hurry. They disappeared through the gate, leaving partiers bobbing behind them.

Alice was too bewildered to even think of following them.

“The queen hates it when she’s late for work,” the chicken cackled. “I’ll bet she gives that little Uberland driver a good thrashing before the night is through. Oh well, sorry I can’t stay and chat. I’ve got guests coming in to rent my porch swing in a little while. Ta ta sweetie.”

Later, back on her balcony, Alice thought about all that she had seen in Uberland.

“Such a curious place,” she pondered. “Could it actually work?”
But it was all too much. She decided to wait and think about it again some other day.

Your Comment Is Awaiting Moderation

I seemed to awaken and found myself near a dark wood. I could not think how I got there. A low growl rumbled from deep in the woods. I backed away as a large ghostly dog-like creature crept toward me. A figure appeared at my side and gave the animal such a look that it slunk back into the trees. My new guide said we must leave this place but, in doing so, we would travel through a city of souls in torment. He explained that they were awaiting the verdict of the Grand Moderator. The one thing they had in common was that they chronically submitted comments to Internet websites.

We crossed the water and stepped ashore in the city. The first group of commenters were seated in front of all manner of keyboards. They writhed in agony each time they touched a key, but it seemed they could not stop. Their screams were terrifying. I asked my guide why this was so and he responded:

“These are the ones who assert that their sister-in-law is making $1,700 a week on the Internet. They would do it in every comment section if they were able.”

“What will happen to them?” I asked.

“They cannot stop without permission from the Grand Moderator. They will be busy for quite a while.”

Soon after leaving the first group we heard cursing, screaming and name-calling as we approached a tangled mass of lost souls. They were yelling and spewing green bile directly into one another’s ears, each trying to cover their own ears while screaming into their neighbor’s. I pitied them as I tried in vain to imagine their pain.

“And for what sins have these been sent here?” I asked.

“They are the indiscriminate haters who viciously attacked and threatened those whose ideas they did not like. They will continue in this fashion for eons while awaiting moderation.”

It seemed that, wherever we turned, we found more souls in anguish. My guide explained that they had given in to pandemonium and confusion and so found themselves in a place of utter despair. He pointed the way for us to move on.

We entered a complex of bars and entertainments. Those inside had their mouths sewn shut while they were assaulted on every side by others who explained and harangued them endlessly.

“And who are these who must listen but never speak?” I asked.

“They are the know-it-alls who always knew better. Their sin was painfully obvious to all but themselves.”

“Is there no one to mourn them or remember them in their suffering?”

“I am afraid not,”, he replied. “Perhaps a few remember but only in that they are relieved from their oppression.”

I became weary of the hellish place and asked if we would soon find our way through. My guide explained that there was much more yet to see before we completed our journey. I began to despair of ever reaching the end. My only wish was that we would leave this place of suffering and somehow return to the light of day, where the sight of ordinary people would soothe my spirit.

Perhaps my guide pitied my distress, for soon we were back in the boat, crossing the water. Slowly the blackness of night gave way to dawning day. So great was my relief that I began to succumb to sleep.

The last thing I remember was throwing my iPad overboard.